Our guide to Zebra festival 2011

And so it is and here we are, the back arse of April shrugging off the evils of a bitter winter and stepping gracefully into the warm embraces of summer. With this the most glorious of seasons come many delights, barbeques, hot pants, drinking all day and much more. Another event that is synonymous with summer is the music festival. These are in plentiful supply around the world from Glastonbury to the burning man, however, if it’s Chengdu you have chosen to spend your existence on this earth, then the only choice for you is the wonder that is, the Zebra music festival .

The festival now in its third year promises to be even more pathetic than ever, 2011 guarantees us, lesser stages, earlier finishing times, a smaller venue and an overall abandonment of all that makes a music festival. Yes 240 of MZD’s finest will get you a ticket to 3 days of non stop music (4pm – 10pm). Music hmm! If that is what you call this abhorrent teenage American wannabe pop tripe, that is paraded around stages by men that spend more time looking in a mirror than bin laden does in a cave. Fuck all imagination and fewer genres than hairs on Terry’s head.

So there it is shit music, shit venue and fuck all to keep us entertained, oh and a finishing time that is more suited to a scout jamboree than a music festival. So why then in spite of all this do we at Chengdumusic.com have our bags packed and just been down to decathlon and nicked a tent? Well, a few reasons, namely we’ve been given 3 days off and don’t like trains. This weekend doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom though in fact, this is probably the best weekend of the year. Like a lot of things in life, the festival is what you make of it, and believe me we make it great. So if you want to enjoy the festival you’ll need these top 5 tips to see you through. Print them out, take them with you and have a good one.

Top 5 Festival tips.

1. Alcohol:
A great way of making even the dullest occasion entertaining, an absolute must for the festival, here’s my guide:

Spirits: Inside the festival there isn’t much by the way of a bar but the jagermeister tent more than makes up for that. Selling jager straight or with a choice of mixers and plenty of ice makes this the quick and easy option to getting fucked up. Of course this all costs money and also the tent closes early so you’ll need your own stash. DON’T forget that glass bottles are not allowed on the site so pour your spirits in a plastic bottle before you leave the house.

Beer: This year’s beer will be sponsored by Budweiser and in the true sense of Chinese fair play they will be the only beer available on site. You may be cursing that wretched piss water right now but on a hot day with a bad hangover, a glass of any cold draft beer is appreciated. For the same reasons as above you won’t be able to survive on just Budweiser so you’ll have to bring your own. Cans are the best option here as although they are supposed to be banned we’ve never had problems and we have with bottles.

2. Drugs:
There are no drugs on the festival site at all. I am guessing that even if they did have it would be very expensive, something around 300 kuai a pill. This is just a guess of course as there are no drugs at the festival. Bringing drugs to the festival is pointless, even though you may feel that they would extremely enhance your experience and make your weekend 100 times better. This would not be a good idea as drugs are illegal. Drugs are illegal everywhere in China so don’t think that going to a dodgy looking nightclub and making friends with a few dodgy looking people then scabbing a bag of k is the answer. That won’t work either because drugs are banned in clubs too. We strongly advise people to stay away from drugs. No drugs anywhere got it. Good. This tip was written by Ebenezer good.

3. Girls:
Ok so Chengdu might be about as good at providing musical talent as the Amish community, but what they do have are girls. Girls girls and more girls. The type of lady that seems to be attracted to this sort of event is usually young, hot and has an extreme disliking for clothes that cover more than the legal amount of flesh. Whether you’re chatting them up, dancing them up or touching them up, girls are an integral part of the festival experience. Even if your just secretly taking pictures on your phone whilst pretending to text. Chengdu music top tip: wherever you indulge in the above activities (tips 1&2) make sure it’s in close proximity to a group of these scantly clad lovelies.

4. Friends:
An essential ingredient for the festival experience, the more, the better. Beer, sun and chilling with friends make for a good way to pass the day. It is better if you can get some friends before attending the festival. Whilst sidling up to a complete stranger off your head and telling them about your deepest feelings on love life and politics, might go down well at most European festivals. Here, it is more likely to get you arrested or beaten but probably both. Friends can be acquired from many sources such as bars, chess clubs etc. We at Chengdumusic.com recommend adultfrienfinder.com. Also your search for friends will be helped if you’re in possession or have easy access to, one or all of the above items.

5. A stereo:
Last but not least you will need a way of playing your own tunes to your own people. Even, if only at the campfire. The only way to drown out that dreadful ringing in your head that hasn’t stopped since you heard that Chinese band do a pop rock version of ‘Wish You Were Hear’, is with your music turned up loud from the close of the main stage till the whole wretched thing starts up again.

Happy camping folks and I hope this guide has been helpful if not I don’t give a fuck. See you at the festival, if you see me say hello, if I’ve got a wild look in my eye, come back later. Until then,
peace and fucking.

Bobby b.